“Monsanto and the EPA — How are they doing?” comments on the writing of this poem

Comments: Remember the Beatles’ lyrics: “Life is very short and there’s no time, for fussing and fighting my friends . . .” It’s easy to imagine that the EPA and Monsanto have special feelings for each other but it must be hard for them as a couple, with the public turning toward organic products and reading labels.

This poem picks up on is how the EPA has been procrastinating (since 2009 when Obama came into office) on whether to sign off on Monsanto’s (carcinogenic) glyphosate, tradename: Roundup. Monsanto, in this poem, is worried “his” relationship with the EPA is souring or on the skids. If a Democrat is elected in November the tide may begin to turn against environmentally harmful, humanly carcinogenic herbicides like Roundup, that, incidentally, kills every little thing with a mucus membrane. Change is in the air, but here the EPA reassures Monsanto that it is only appearances that matter. . .hence “her” reference to her hair. I chose the (classic) male gender for Monsanto and (classic) female gender for the EPA. That choice was a no-brainer.

Monsanto and the EPA – How are they doing?

Monsanto is walking
With his best friend-with-benefits, the EPA:
So why are you dragging your heels
Signing off on glyphosate?

EPA: Oh, we’re having such a nice walk,
Do you really want to ask me that?
I thought we were going to have a nice time.
Why don’t you just say how pretty my hair looks.
I had it done for you.

Monsanto: Please don’t change the subject.
I’m serious. I have huge plans and
You are holding things up.
We should be better at this game by now.

EPA: Listen to you.
You seem to have forgotten I am an “environmental” agency.
You know I love you
But the public believes in me.
P is for “protection”
Monsanto: Right.
But can’t you just wind things up
And rubber-stamp this one?

EPA: Things are changing, love.
Look around.
Appearances are everything these days.
The best I can do is stall.
You are killing off your customers, you know.

Monsanto: I’m giving them what they want
And they want results sweetheart.
Like a cowboy roping a steer,
Or a football player making the touchdown.
You’re not even listening to me!

EPA: Once people hear the word “carcinogenic”,
As in “Roundup is carcinogenic”. . .
They turn green.
I’ve got an idea.
Just add some vinegar to the formula
And call it something with “green” in it:
Call it “Round-up Green”.

Monsanto: Are you breaking up with me?
EPA looks hard into Monsanto’s eyes,
Leans in and kisses him long on the lips.
They continue, hand in hand.


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